


She's in Love with the Fact that I'm in Love with Her

by AwkwardGayGirlFeels



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Engagement stuff, F/F, Flashbacks, Girlfriends - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Notes, Tears, dorks being dorks, i'm trash, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 21:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7862719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardGayGirlFeels/pseuds/AwkwardGayGirlFeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Holtzmann enters the firehouse looking extremely disheveled, upset, and Erin is nowhere to be found, Abby and Patty try to uncover the details of the events that went down in the Holtzmann-Gilbert apartment that morning. Meanwhile, Erin and Holtz both reflect on the morning's events as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Allergies

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, welcome, you amazing people! Here is a very hurt/comfort, angsty fic that I wrote about a month ago. I wrote this before my other engagement piece so sorry not sorry they're both covering similar topics. But they're terribly different so don't be turned away. Thank you so much for reading (in advance) and I apologize for the inconsistent chapter lengths and for making everyone cry (yet again).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's going on with Holtz...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, there may be typos or words missing in each chapter, I checked over it a few times but something always slips past me. Just ignore it :)

 

The front door of the fire station opened with a large crash that echoed around the near empty building, causing Abby to jump and look up from her coffee mug. Holtzmann entered the building and slammed the door behind her, with more force than necessary. She was early today. Abby was usually alone in the firehouse for a solid hour before the rest of the gang showed up. It was usually to try to get some work done before Holtzmann’s loud music and hammering noises consumed the building and broke her concentration. But it looks like she wouldn’t have any quiet today. 

 

Abby raised an eyebrow at her friend and took in the blonde’s appearance. Holtz’s hair was wild; some of it up in her usual bun, but most of it was down, frizzy, and tangled. Her yellow glasses were nowhere in sight and her overall straps weren’t tightened and kept slipping off her shoulders. She was also wearing a sweater under her overalls and it looked like she hadn’t bothered to put on her makeup that morning. Abby chuckled.

 

“Did you and Erin go at it after you’d already changed and that’s why you’re disheveled? Or did something go wrong with a weapon and you needed to rush over here to work? Either way, you don’t have to get upset, there’s plenty of time to-”

 

“No!” Holtz interrupted. “That’s not it.” She began to stomp off in the direction of the staircase, but Abby’s eyes suddenly widened and she caught the engineer by the arm.

 

“Holtzy…are you…crying?” Abby asked softly.

 

No response.

 

“Holtz. Holtz. Jillian!”

 

At the sound of her first name, Holtz ripped her arm away from Abby and continued stomping up the stairs. “It’s allergies, okay? Just leave me alone!”

 

Abby watched her go up the stairs and saw Holtzmann wiping her face with her sleeve, then heard the lab door slam once Holtz was inside. Her usual banging around picked up, but the firehouse was absent of Holtzmann’s music. The whole place felt empty without it. That was when Abby noticed Erin wasn’t there. Holtz and Erin lived together, they always arrived together, and they tried to spend every single moment together. The fact that they weren’t together right now and Holtz’s “allergies” scared Abby. Were the two of them fighting? They never fought. They got annoyed with each other occasionally, but they never fought. They were basically a perfect couple. What could be happening? Abby kept her ears open in order to hear anything out of the ordinary coming from Holtz’s lab and pretended to work.

…

 

A little while later, the front door opened and Abby looked up from her equation-covered whiteboard to see Patty sauntering in, a huge grin on her face. “Abby, have I got a story for you, baby! So I went home last night, right? And I-”

 

“Shush!” Abby hissed.

 

“Huh? Why?” Patty asked, raising her eyebrows in surprise and walking over to Abby’s desk.

 

“Holtzy came in all upset earlier. She was crying. Like actually crying, I think. Not her usual happy crying, but something else. And she yelled at me,” Abby quickly whispered. 

 

“Well, what did Erin say was up with her?” Patty asked in a hushed tone.

 

“Erin hasn’t showed up. They didn’t come in together,” Abby said, eyebrows drawing closer together in concern. 

 

Patty mouthed a silent ‘oh shit’ and walked to the kitchen to get coffee. Abby watched her, too concerned to work on her equations. Patty walked back to her own desk with her coffee mug a few minutes later and both she and Abby glanced up towards the second floor lab. The banging was incredibly loud at this point, as if Holtz was trying to drown out her own emotions. The women on the bottom floor both sighed and slowly returned their attention to their respective tasks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D Ily


	2. She Doesn't Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby goes to check on Holtz in her lab and learns what the problem is. Lots of tears and emotions.

The two Ghostbusters worked in silence for a while, eyes repeatedly darting from each other, to the lab, to the front door, then back at their work. All of a sudden, the banging from upstairs stopped and the building was completely silent. It was eerie, unlike anything they’d ever experienced. Patty set her book down and turned towards Abby, eyes wide. 

 

“I’m going up,” Abby quietly said to Patty, then she sighed and made her way towards the stairs. Patty’s eyes followed Abby all the way down the upstairs hallway. When Abby reached Holtz’s door, she knocked tentatively. “Holtzmann? Can I come in? Are you okay? I can try to help.”

 

A grunt came from inside the room which led Abby to push open the door slowly. Holtzmann was curled up on the floor, a wrench loosely gripped in her left hand, right hand hugging her knees to her chest. Her eyes were closed, but Abby could see that they were puffy, and there were tears rolling down her face. Abby sat down on the floor next to her and gently placed a hand on Holtz’s knee. The blonde flinched a little, but made no effort to move the hand.

 

“Talk to me. Please,” Abby pleaded gently. 

 

Holtz took a deep, shuddering breath, set her wrench down, and reached into the pocket of her overalls. She took Abby’s hand in her own, opened it, deposited whatever she took from her pocket into Abby’s palm, then wrapped Abby’s fingers back around it. Abby looked down at her hand and saw Erin’s small gold necklace peeking up at her. She sighed. 

 

“Holtzy, I know it’s about Erin. I got that. So just tell me.”

 

“She doesn’t love me!” Holtz burst out, sitting up, but continuing to hug her knees.

 

“Of course she does, Jillian. She’s the one who always needs you to say that  _ you _ love her. Why would you-”

 

“I asked her to marry me, Abby! And she said no! What was I to her, anyways? Was I just there to make her feel loved? Or maybe I was a fun person to be with, but I’m just too kooky and eccentric to actually have a future with. Abby, I would give up everything I’ve ever made, ever learned, ever built if that was required to be with her. I love her so much. I just...I just…” her voice was getting more and more choked up, and new tears were falling now. “I dunno. What if...she’s in love with the fact that I’m in love with her? But she’s not actually in love with me? Then our whole relationship was kind of a lie? I don’t- I mean- I can’t really-” She buried her face into her hands, tears escalating into sobs. Soon after, she was hyperventilating into Abby’s shoulder. 

 

They sat in silence for a while, Abby’s arms wrapped around her friend. Holtzmann’s breathing became slower, calmer, and she managed to speak through her tears.

 

“Abby, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want to spend another moment of my life without Erin there, but I don't know what to do if she doesn't love me.”

 

“Jillian, I...I’m so sorry. I can’t fully comprehend how awful you feel. But Erin...she loves you so much, she really does. Maybe she’s just not ready for marriage?”

 

Holtzmann snorted through her tears, then took a few deep breaths. She looked at Abby incredulously. “Erin Gilbert? Not ready for marriage? That’s basically her dream. Ya know she showed me the ‘perfect pair of wedding shoes’? Shoes! Which no one would even see!” Holtz chuckled wistfully at the memory, eyes lighting up a bit; she seemed to forget where she was for a moment. But after a few seconds, her face fell again and the light died from her eyes. “Erin Gilbert is so ready for marriage. Just not with me, I suppose.”

 

Abby hugged the other woman tighter, words unable to communicate her thoughts and her sympathy. Holtzmann understood. She closed her eyes.

 

“All she said was no?” Abby asked in a whisper.

 

“No. She said ‘Jillian...I can’t. I’m sorry.’ And then she grabbed her shoes and purse and ran out of the apartment. I was too shocked in that moment to chase her, which I regret. Her phone’s still at the apartment, I think. I can’t be certain. If she does have it, she’s not responding to me.”

 

“Holtz, I’m so incredibly sorry. You don’t deserve to be feeling like this. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know that Erin loves you. I’m sure of it,” Abby said, kissing Holtz’s forehead. 

 

Holtzmann shook her head and closed her eyes again.

 

“Do you want to be distracted with something else for a little while? I don’t want you to be upset. We could watch Ghost Jumpers or go out for coffee or?”

 

“No, thanks. I just need to be here. Alone. For a while,” Holtz said, sighing. She let go of her knees suddenly and stood up.

 

Abby nodded understandingly and stood up as well. “I’m here, Jill. Always. You know that, right? Always.”

  
Holtz gave her a very small, sad salute and watched Abby exit the lab, listening to her departing footsteps. She sat down on her rolling stool and started working on a new weapon, the noise filling the whole building once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you're liking it so far :)


	3. Jillian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically what happened before the first two chapters. It's Jillian's experience and emotions during and after the failed proposal from that morning.

Jillian and Erin were lying in their bed, their limbs intertwined and their faces close to one another. It was somewhat early; they wouldn’t have to head over to the firehouse for another hour or so. Erin had a novel lying face down on her stomach and Jillian had a page full of new weapon ideas near her legs. It was a beautifully peaceful morning.

 

“I love you more than anything, Jillian,” Erin said, a blush creeping across her face.

 

“Reeaally?” Jillian drawled, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Even more than that devilishly handsome Kevin? Mm, that man is dashing.” She smirked at Erin then laughed when Erin lightly hit the side of her face.

 

“Oh hush! You know I played that up to try to avoid falling for  _ you _ !” Erin said, shaking her head and giggling.

 

Jillian made an elongated ‘mhmmmmm’ before kissing Erin on the cheek. “I love you too, ya big fork.”

 

Erin sat up and gave her girlfriend a bewildered look. “Did you just...call me a fork?”

 

Jillian laughed loudly. “I meant to say ‘big fucking dork’ but then I tried to cut out the ‘fucking’ but it all messed up. Let’s try again: I love you too, you big dork. I love you so much.”

 

Erin threw her arms around Jillian and kissed her jaw, but pulled back when she felt how tense the other woman’s body was. Erin saw that there were tears in Jillian’s eyes. She’d only seen her cry a handful of times in the year and a half they’d known each other. When she gave her toast after they’d saved the city, when they’d seen all the thank-you’s from the rooftop, if Erin did or said something especially sweet to her, if anyone talked about cats. But she hardly ever cried when she was mad or upset. 

 

Erin fully sat up and looked down at Jillian. “Love? Are you okay?”

 

Jillian nodded and sat up, facing Erin. She began to speak in the same, quick, low tone that she had used in her toast. She kept her eyes on Erin’s hands. “Erin Gilbert, I never really thought that anyone would ever really love me. Or want to be with me longer than a one night stand. Because I’m weird and crazy and too complicated to get involved with, I guess. But the moment I laid eyes on you at the Higgins Institute, I knew I loved you. You are the most amazing woman- no, the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life and I wouldn’t trade our memories or time together for anything. And I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you wonderful woman.” She paused here to glance at Erin’s face.

 

Erin had been smiling lovingly at Jillian throughout her monologue, but now her eyes were wide with anticipation and her mouth was slightly open.

 

Jillian smiled and blushed, something she rarely ever did. “So....uh, Dr. Erin Gilbert, would you do me the absolute honor and privilege of marrying me?” Jillian’s blush deepened and she pulled a small velvet box out from under her pillow. She opened it to reveal a beautiful diamond engagement ring, set with a small moonstone on each side. 

 

Erin hadn’t moved. She was completely frozen. 

 

Jillian laughed nervously and ran her free hand through her long hair. “Hey, is there a ghost in there?” she jokingly asked, poking Erin’s forehead. Erin blinked and she looked down at the ring, mouth still open.

 

“Jillian…” Erin began. She wasn’t smiling. She almost looked hurt. Jillian’s smile quickly slid off her face. 

 

“Erin? What’s wrong?”

 

“Jillian...I can’t. I’m sorry,” Erin said quietly, sadly. She quickly jumped off the bed and started hurrying around the bedroom. 

 

Jillian sat there, dumbfounded. “Erin, it’s, uh, not funny, seriously. I’m pouring my heart out over here. You can’t just joke about saying no. I could take off my shirt if that’d help somehow.” She feigned a laugh.

 

The ever moving woman near her just shook her head slightly and stood up, her purse and shoes in her hands, “I’m sorry,” she breathed quietly to Jillian, before running out of their bedroom, exiting the apartment, and hurrying down the hall. She hadn’t even bothered to shut the door.

 

Jillian sat there for what felt like years. She still didn’t think what had happened truly happened. She hit herself on the arm a few times, seeing if she’d wake up, if this was all a shitty dream that she and Erin could laugh about when they woke up. But this was reality. Erin had...rejected her. Erin hadn’t been joking. Their pranks weren’t this extreme. Ever. Erin actually didn’t want to marry her. 

 

Holtz began to cry. Not with happiness, like she usually did. But actually cry, with sadness and anger and pain. Her sobs were quiet at first, but became loud wails that caused her whole body to physically shake. Her worst nightmare had come true. Oh my god. She needed to get away from here. Away from their apartment. Away from reminders of Erin; Erin’s clothes, Erin’s makeup, everything. She got off the bed and ran over to their dresser, pulling out her overalls and a sweater and throwing them on, ignoring the looseness of the straps. She started to put her hair up, but her eyes were too full of tears to see what she was doing and her hands were too shaky so she gave up. 

 

She just needed to work on something. Use her hands. Like make a new weapon or...something for Erin. Yes! No. She didn’t know. But she knew she needed to be in her lab. She grabbed her boots, her keys, wiped her eyes as best as she could, then headed for the door. Erin’s necklace was on the kitchen counter and she grabbed it without thinking, then left the apartment.

  
She didn’t take their car, she knew she couldn’t drive properly like this. She took a cab, the driver constantly asking if she needed a tissue. Once they had arrived at the firehouse, she stood outside the front door and tried to stem the flow of her tears. But they wouldn’t stop. She closed her eyes and hoped that no one else would be there yet. Or better yet, Erin would come back and explain everything. She had to work. Clear her mind. Try not to shatter into thousands of tiny pieces. She yanked the front door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is back in the same time with the first two in the firehouse. It is no longer the proposal stuff. Plz don't be confused okay love u


	4. Explain Your Damn Self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin shows up at the fire station and the tension everyone feels is insane.
> 
> (Sorry, I suck at chapter summaries)

The main door opened quietly and Abby and Patty glanced up, eyes widening when they saw Erin standing in the doorway. It had been almost three hours since Abby had gone to talk with Holtz and they hadn’t expected to see Erin at all. The banging from Holtzmann’s lab had stopped the second the door opened. How she had heard it open above the noise she was making, no one knew. Erin closed the door behind her and walked over to her desk, setting her purse down. She was wearing her pajamas. And a pair of sneakers. It was weird and casual. Too casual.

 

“Morning, Patty, Abby!” she called to the two women, her voice singsong. She tried to smile nonchalantly, but the anxiousness clearly shone out of her eyes.

 

“Baby, you’d better explain your damn self!” Patty exclaimed, walking towards Erin and crossing her arms.

 

Erin nervously shifted from foot to foot. She attempted to tug on her necklace, but then remembered she hadn’t put it on that morning. She looked up at the taller woman.

 

“I know. I’m very late. I’m sorry,” she said at last.

 

“No,” Patty continued. “About the-”

 

Abby quickly crossed the room and smacked Patty on the arm. “About the...outfit!” she exclaimed, smiling warmly at Erin. “And, um, where’s Holtz?”

 

“Oh. Uh, I guess I just didn’t feel like putting on clothes today,” Erin said, forcing a fake chuckle out of her throat. “And Jillian’s...not feeling well today. She said she was going to stay home. I’m just going to run to the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” Erin said, brushing past the pair and heading up to the second story bathroom.

 

“Abby L. Yates, what in the sweet hell was that?” Patty whispered, once Erin was safely in the bathroom.

 

“I don’t know if Holtz wants Erin to know she’s here. She went silent the moment Erin walked in. So we can’t bring up what Holtz said happened, otherwise Erin’ll know that she’s here,” Abby explained quietly.

 

“It’s gonna be real hard pretending not to know,” Patty said, to which Abby nodded in agreement.

 

Erin emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later. Her eyes were red and she kept sniffling, and there were tear stains on her pajama shirt. No one said anything about it. Abby led Erin to the kitchen to get some food and nervously chattered away about a new equation that she was figuring out. Erin wasn’t paying any attention and her eyes kept glancing upstairs to Jillian’s lab. Patty came over and asked where Kevin was, Abby mentioned he was a finalist in a hide and seek tournament, Erin just stared at the wall.

 

Eventually, the three women all sat down at their desks, all pretending to work, except Erin, who just sat there, staring into space. The silence filled the building like a thick fog.

 

The phone rang after a few minutes of the tense silence, causing everyone to jump. Abby picked it up and after a few seconds and after speaking a few words, she set it back down. “Patty, there’s a ghost dog in some family’s apartment who’s eating their couch. Drive’s about an hour. It should be easy. Up for it?”

 

Patty jumped up, relieved to have a chance to escape the uneasy atmosphere in the room. She looked at Erin, who was staring at her left hand. “Comin’, babe?” she asked, to which she didn’t receive a reply. “Hey, Erin? Erin Gilbert? Hey!” Patty exclaimed, clapping a hand on Erin’s shoulder.

 

“Huh? What?” Erin yelped.

 

Abby rubbed her eye and sighed. “Do you feel like being a Ghostbuster today, Erin?”

 

Erin shook her head. “Sorry. I’m having bad...allergies. I just need to be here for a while,” she responded, barely audibly.

 

Patty gave Abby a look asking if they could leave both Erin and Holtz there even though Erin didn’t know Holtz _was_ there. Abby luckily interpreted the meaning of the look and shrugged. The pair walked off to go get suited up and returned a few minutes later, fully equipped. Abby quietly told Erin to make sure to eat and to call if she needed anything; Patty hugged Erin.

 

Then they were gone. And the building was silent once again. Erin just sat at her desk, perfectly still, the events of the morning playing out over and over in her head. She wondered where Jillian was. Had she stayed at home?

 

And upstairs, Holtzmann was also replaying the morning’s events in her mind. And much as her presence was unbeknownst to Erin, she thought Erin had left to go do the bust. The voices downstairs had been too quiet for her to hear anything. She hopped off her stool and lay down on the floor again, face pushed against the cool tiles, limbs extended, like an upside down starfish. She put her hand in her pocket and felt Erin’s necklace again. And there was something else, something square? She pulled it out and saw it was the ring box. Had she grabbed that as she left the apartment? She didn’t remember. She started thinking about Erin. Not that she had ever stopped thinking about her. But she wasn’t busying herself now. Her mind was empty of everything else, and it just kept screaming ‘Erin, Erin, Erin!’ She thought of Erin’s smile, her goofy dancing, her flushed cheeks, the way she smelled, the way her eyes lit up when she was explain physics concepts…everything. Holtzmann’s body began to shake with silent sobs once again.

  
Back downstairs, Erin quietly pulled out her laptop and began looking through photos of Jillian that she had uploaded from her phone. There were some of the two of them kissing, the two of them standing in Jillian’s lab posing with a new weapon, Jillian alone standing next to a ghost they were about to bust, Jillian’s smiling profile. There was one of Jillian sleeping that Erin had taken incredibly early in the morning, multiple photos of Jillian with her hair down, and there were tons of Jillian laughing. She looked so beautiful when she laughed. Erin began to cry silently as well. She hadn’t wanted to reject Jillian. She loved her so much. But she couldn’t have said yes. She had to reject her. She had her reasons. She stood up and silently made her way up the stairs. She wanted to be near Jillian’s stuff, breathe in the typical oil smells from Jillian’s clothes, be as close to her as possible without actually being close to her. Erin walked down the hallway and reached the lab door. She stood there for a moment, then opened the door and stepped inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit waddup, left you on a cliffhanger, didn't I? 
> 
> (Because Holtz is in the lab which Erin just entered. Crazy shit)


	5. Erin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another chapter like Chapter 3. So basically, it's the proposal and stuff through Erin's eyes. And it's her experiences and what she did between running out of the apartment and showing up at the fire station.
> 
> (I really hope that made sense, sorry)

“Jillian...I can’t. I’m sorry.” Erin spoke softly, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them.

 

Jillian began speaking to her, but Erin just heard noise, noise pounding in the back of her brain. Her body moved without being told to, jumping off the bed, grabbing items, walking, avoiding looking at Jillian. It felt like moving in a dream. Or a nightmare.

 

Erin heard herself apologize once more, felt her eyes move upwards until she was finally looking at her girlfriend, at the crushed expression on her face. She saw the ring once more, the box, the book she’d been reading, everything. The pounding noise was unbearable now. Too loud to say anything else. She felt numb. Erin turned and ran, ran out of the apartment, out of the building, and she found herself in a taxi. It started to drive away from the building and Erin shut her eyes tightly.

 

A few minutes into the drive, she reopened them. The pounding wasn’t as bad now; she could hear herself think. She was completely shocked right now. Jillian had proposed. And she had said no. She felt awful. She felt like the worst person ever. She realized her phone was still in the apartment. But she couldn’t go back. Not yet. Not now. She woulld have to see Jillian again. She didn’t know how to explain herself. The silence of the car was too much to handle and she burst into tears, not bothering to hide it. She’d broken Jillian’s heart, hadn’t she? She was such an awful person.

 

The taxi suddenly stopped, interrupting her thoughts and she looked up to see she was at Jillian’s townhouse. She hadn’t remembered telling the driver to come here. But she must’ve. Of course that was the place her mind had subconsciously wanted to go to. She paid for her fare and exited the cab, and stood on the sidewalk in front of the townhouse. This was the place where Jillian had lived before they bought their apartment. This was where she kept all of her junk metal, her old inventions, her thousands of miscellanious papers, everything Erin had insisted wouldn’t fit in the apartment. Erin had a key that Jillian had given her the first night she’d been inside, and Erin pulled it out, walked up to the door, opened it, and went inside.

 

The floorboards creaked under her with every step and she made her way up the staircase to Jillian’s bedroom area. She walked over to the couch in the corner of the room, the couch where they had admitted their love to each other. Erin looked at the soft white fabric covered by scorch marks, the scattered papers all over the floor, the empty Pringles cans. She saw a piece of paper that had a drawing on it and she picked it up. It was a sketch of her. In the sketch she was laughing, one hand tangled in her hair, the other pressed against her cheek. It was beautiful. And Erin began to cry again, harden than she had ever cried in her life. She cried because she had to let Jillian go...because...she couldn’t say it to herself. She needed to write her thoughts. It was easier. She tucked the drawing in her purse, fished out a pen, and picked a different piece of paper up off of the ground. She owed Jillian this explanation.

 

_Jillian, I’m so sorry I ran. I am. But I couldn’t explain myself to you right there. It was just too much. This is so horrible of me to do, I know. I want you to know that I love you. I would go to the ends of the Earth for you. I didn’t say no because I don’t love you. I said no because I don’t want you to be stuck with me forever. You can do anything and you should do everything, and I know that I hold you back from certain things without meaning to. And I have so many problems that I just dumped on you and just- I’m anxious, weird, I hover over people, I’m sort of bossy, I need constant validation, and you deserve better. And I know that I’m not great in bed and sometimes I wonder.._

_Wow, I don’t know how to say this to you._

_I think that you’re in love with the fact that I’m in love with you. But you’re not in love with me. I think. I don’t know. And I need to know. But I just couldn’t hear you say that you weren’t in love with me in that moment; it would’ve been too hard. I just need some time to prepare myself for this possible occurrence. And if I’m wrong and you actually do love me, then we can forget this whole thing and I’ll marry you so hard. But we both just need some time to think. I’ll see you soon. And again, I’m sorry. I really, really am._

 

_-Erin_

 

The letter was half covered in tear splashes by the time Erin was finished, but it didn’t matter. Now she just had to get the paper to Jillian. But how? Erin stood up and walked around Jillian’s bedroom space, but she didn’t see any good places she could leave it. In fact, Jillian would probably just assume it was another loose paper and wouldn’t even acknowledge it. She could leave it at the front door, but she wasn’t even certain that Jill would come back here tonight or come here anytime soon. No, it needed to be somewhere she’d definitely go. Erin thought about their apartment, but Jillian was probably still there and she didn’t want to risk seeing her in person. She’d just break down and it would all just be too hard. It would have to be at the firehouse. Definitely. Meaning she’d have to see Patty and Abby and try to not reveal the current situation and try not to be an emotional wreck. Erin glanced over to Jillian’s bed and saw one of her jackets lying on top of it. She picked it up and buried her face in it, taking in the scents and allowing happy memories of Jillian to fill her mind.

 

After a long while, Erin began making her way back down the stairs and back out into New York City.

 

The cab ride to the firehouse was uneventful; Erin just stared out the window.

  
When she entered the building, she was shaking in her efforts to not cry. The conversation with Abby and Patty that followed was crap. She’d lied, said Jillian wasn’t feeling well. She had then gone and cried some more, did her best to try to work, but her mind was filled with thoughts of Jillian and her eyes were fixed on the upstairs lab. Erin could see the soft red glow of the proton packs from the upstairs hall, hear the gentle hum of one of her girlfriend’s devices coming from Jillian’s lab. She needed to go be alone up there so she could leave her note, then head out to someplace else. Just as she thought this, the phone rang. And 15 minutes later, Abby and Patty were gone. Erin would put the note on Jillian’s main table. That way she couldn’t miss it. Erin silently crept up the stairs, her breath the only thing she heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next/last chapter is again, set chronologically with the others and is not one of these flashback type thingys. I hope you're enjoying it so far!!


	6. Surprise, Dumbass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Jillian are forced to meet face to face again and they share their feelings.
> 
> (Again, crap, I know)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's emotional again, sorry you guys. I don't plan it, it just happens.

Jillian was still lying on the floor of her lab, still sprawled out like a starfish, but she had flipped over onto her back. She heard the door to her lab open slowly. She shut her eyes, thinking Abby had come back to check on her after Erin’s brief appearance to see how she was doing. But she still didn’t want to talk. Especially didn’t want to talk. Fuck talking.

 

“Jillian?!” a voice exclaimed, guilt and sadness apparent in the speaker’s tone. She knew that voice.

 

“Erin?” she cried, jumping up. “You left! I thought-” Jillian started, then stopped. She was going to cry again. Why was Erin even here? What was happening?

 

Erin just stared back at her, unmoving, until she slowly started backing up towards the door, lips moving to try to form words. But she couldn’t get any words out.

 

“Erin, wait!” Jillian cried out, voice cracking. “Please. We just...please. Talk to me,” she quietly said, advancing towards Erin and taking her hand. Both women were blinking back tears.

 

Erin looked down at Jillian’s hand holding hers, noticing the warmth she felt. The lump in her throat made it impossible to talk. But Jillian was right. They needed to talk. Erin pulled the note that she wrote out of her pajama shorts pocket with her free hand and extended it to the smaller woman. Jillian snatched it quickly and dropped Erin’s hand to hold the paper. She sat down on her stool and began to read.

 

Erin watched Jillian’s lips moving to form the words she had written, saw her brow furrow. It was the most agonizing thing Erin had ever been through, watching Jillian read this letter. She couldn’t bear it. She finally shut her eyes and just waited for the reading to be over. The seconds crawled by incredibly slowly.

 

The silence was suddenly broken, Erin noticed. It wasn’t speech she was hearing. It was… laughter? Erin opened her eyes and, yes, Jillian was laughing. No- Jillian was _cackling_ . She was clutching her rib cage with one hand and pounding her fist on the table with the other. Erin was shocked. “What the hell, Jillian?” she breathed, staring, horrified, at her girlfriend. Jillian kept laughing and Erin felt her face grow hot. She marched over to Jillian, about to start going off on her for laughing at her _very_ serious note, when Jillian grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her.

 

It was tender, warm, Jillian was smiling, still laughing a little. Her lips tasted like ginger. Erin melted into the kiss, wrapping her arms around Jillian’s neck and Jillian wrapped hers around Erin’s waist. It was pure and loving and beautiful. Jillian mused to herself that if she never had to move from this position again, she’d be fine with that.

 

Erin finally broke away and looked at Jillian, breathing heavily. The pair just stared at each other for a few moments. Erin was the one to speak first.

 

“Why’d you laugh?” she demanded, crossing her arms.

 

Jillian shook her head and grinned. She was trying to keep from laughing again. “Erin. You ran away because you thought...I didn’t love you? Because you’re not great in bed? Which, actually, you are. And because you think your ‘problems’ hold me back? I’m in love with you being in love with me? This whole thing sounds like a soap opera. Seriously.” She chuckled a little. “Erin, it’s true: you’re anxious, weird, hover-ey, kinda bossy, you definitely do need validation, but first off, have you even met me because I’m way weirder? And second off, I love those things about you, Erin. You wouldn't be yourself without those things! Those traits are some of the reasons I’ve been in love with you since we met. As you know! Would I always make special gadgets just for you if I wasn’t 8000% in love with you? Or dance with you? Or live with you? Or ask you to marry me? I mean, I will be stuck with you for the rest of my life, but, call me crazy, you’re the only person I want to be stuck with!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Erin. “And the cherry on top of this sundae, the funniest part of this whole ordeal, is that I said the exact same thing to Abby earlier! I thought you had rejected me because _you_ didn’t actually love _me_ , you loved me being in love with you! And because you thought I was kooky!”

 

A slow grin spread across Erin’s face and she wrapped her arms around Jillian as well. She started to laugh. “Oh my god, I’m so stupid. Of course you love me, you absolutely love me! And I love you, so much. God, I’m so sorry, wow. Why the hell would I think you didn’t? And we said the same thing! Great minds think alike!”

 

Jillian let Erin go abruptly and put a hand to her chest in fake shock. “So the beautiful scientist does indeed love my humble self?” she jokingly asked. Erin gently shoved her shoulder.

 

“Humble? Jillian Holtzmann, humble? Ha. And yeah, surprise, dumbass. I most certainly do love you.”

 

“‘Surprise, dumbass?’ That’s the best phrase you’ve ever said, Erin.”

 

Erin laughed and bowed. “Thank you, Jill.”

 

She suddenly noticed Jillian’s insane, uncompleted hair and laughed, spinning Jillian around in order to pull out the few strands that were up. Erin watched her hair fall down her back and when she spun Jillian to face her again, Jillian was holding the ring box.

 

“Erin,” she started, smirking at the excited, dorky smile her girlfriend wore. “Will you- huh. Weird. Feels like deja vu.”

 

Erin rolled her eyes and smacked her arm. Jillian laughed a little.

 

“Erin, sweetheart, will you marry me? And you’d better because I’ve basically cried the entire fucking Atlantic Ocean today and it wasn’t fun.” Jillian said, winking and grinning.

 

Erin quickly tackled her, sending them both to the ground, her voice repeating the word ‘yes’ over and over.

 

And then they sat up. And Jillian slipped the beautiful ring onto Erin’s finger and revealed a second ring within the box that she slipped on her own finger. And they laughed together for a long time.

 

The rest of the day was spent watching Ghost Jumpers, snuggling, explaining both sides of the story to a totally bewildered yet relieved Patty and Abby, and many, many ‘surprise, dumbass’ jokes.

 

Jillian wanted that engraved on their wedding bands.

 

And Erin was totally cool with that.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER SAY THAT ENOUGH! I hope you enjoyed this piece (its the longest one I've written so far) and I really really enjoyed writing it and can't wait to write more.
> 
> I have a ton of fluffy, one shots that I'm planning and I'm super duper excited to post them for you. I shall see you soon and have a great day :)


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